(Hint: That used to be me)
When I first tried meditation, it was hell. Literally, it felt like the absolutely worst thing in the world. I sat there, wondering if everyone else was as miserable as I was, wondering how much longer we were to have to sit there, going over all of the things that I needed to be doing that were MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than sitting there doing NOTHING. It was all I could do to not freak the f- out.
I left thinking, well, I tried it, I hated it, and it just is definitely not for me.
In the same way that spicy food isn’t for me, or hard core rap music isn’t for me. No judgments, it clearly was good for some people, but just, definitely, NOT ME.
Well, turns out, I was wrong. It wasn’t until I went to yoga teacher training and they MADE us meditate, just like five minutes at a time, easing into it, that I started to *experience* some things that, well, were pretty magical.
First, it reminded me of being a kid at bedtime when I used to feel a strange inner spaciousness. I write this even though in my entire life I have only mentioned it to a few people because when I was a kid and tried to talk to people about it they all looked at me like I was crazy. But, in case you have ever experienced anything like I am talking about, I am going to say it. I used to feel like I was flying around inside myself. Turns out, that is what happens when we withdraw our attention away from our senses — we focus inside of our being, and space starts to open up. I never knew what the heck this was, but when it was explained in yoga school I knew instantly that this is what I used to do as a kid but had totally forgotten about. As often happens I think as we lose the wonder of being a child…
I know, I am weird. Anyway.
Being made to meditate for just a short amount of time and recording my experience ended up being a great tool to get me going.
Once getting comfortable withdrawing my attention from my senses and starting to separate feeling so fused to my thoughts (like, I used to think that I WAS my thoughts), I could start to watch my thoughts without feeling like I was being dragged away by them — I could recognize that I was having a thought and then I could let it go without following it. I could pay attention to my attention, and with A LOT of effort, keep more and more often focused on what I was trying to focus on. Breath or movement of breath was a basic start.
I started to feel pretty twinkly, if you wanted me to try and pick a word. Good twinkly.
Anyway, I had to do this every day in class and it was getting easier and I was experiencing some unexplain-able goodness with it (did I mention twinkly?)… and then, I started to feel a little bit super human when I was NOT meditating, just out in the real world doing day to day tasks and typical situations… things that used to REALLY PISS ME OFF or make me freak out, I found myself staying calm and having perspective, almost like I was stopping time a bit and looking at the moment from more than one angle… it was weird. And very, very good.
Over the course of the five weeks of yoga school, I experienced enough of this weird superhuman perspective (which I now call grace) that I just KNEW was from meditation that I was convinced. I was going to stick with it.
It was really hard at first, took A LOT of effort, to keep focused on one particular thing… and then the next stage is “effortless focus”, so I remembered to try and keep surrendering to the process, to see if it could become more effortless… and it did, with practice… it continued to get even easier to ignore the thoughts when they come (they still come) and stay focused…stay “paying attention to my attention”. Like any other practice, improvement is not linear — two steps forward, one step back, on any given day.
It’s been three years now of committed meditation practice and the change I’ve experienced is HUGE. If I could end up loving meditation, truly anyone can do it. And, GREAT NEWS! There is no such thing as an unsuccessful meditation. All practice is worthwhile practice. Do what you can and keep trying. Like anything in life, you may never be the best at it, but you can always get better and learn to enjoy it… and this is something that has the power to transform your life.
